Dear Max,
For 521 days we snuggled up, belly to belly, and had our own special time together. After one year, five months, and two days those special moments have come to an end; but really it's just the beginning of a whole new chapter in our relationship. When I was pregnant, nursing was on my list of things that I really, really hoped would work out. At the time, it was mostly related to the extensive health benefits for you, both nutritionally and emotionally. I didn't really "get" why women made such a big deal about the end of nursing, or why it almost seemed to be put on a pedestal. Wasn't it just a function of feeding your baby?
Once I become a mother, I learned that nursing is so, so much more. It was quiet in the midst of a stressful day. It was comfort when you were upset. It allowed us to forgive when we were frustrated with one another. It made both of us smile. It helped us get to know one another's personalities. It helped you rest when you were weary. It gave us a chance to reconnect after a long day. It was our own little love language.
On that final morning, you awoke very early (as has been the case most days lately). I went to your room around 5:00am and tried to help you settle down. After a while you finally relaxed in my arms, but woke up the moment I laid you in your crib. So, I decided to simply hold you and rock you while you slept. As I gazed down at your relaxed body and sleeping face in the darkness, I marveled at how big you seemed. My little baby is now a toddler, and your body rested on my lap with your legs draped over the other armrest. Not long ago, it seems, you barely fit in the crook of my arm.
Sitting upright, I dozed on and off until you woke for the day. You seemed excited to wake up in my arms and wiggled your way in to a seated position as you stretched and yawned. I asked if you wanted to nurse one last time, and you smiled and said, "Yes!" enthusiastically. As the first rays of sunlight peeked around the shades on the window, just like the morning you were born, we snuggled up belly to belly one last time.
We held hands, you touched my face, and we smiled at one another as you nursed. This might sound odd since you are so little right now, but it really seemed like you knew and understood that this was the end of something really important. You lingered a bit longer than usual and when you finished you simply laid back on my lap and gazed in to my eyes. "That's it," I said. "We're all done nursing. I love you, baby boy."
I pulled you close and tears sprang to my eyes as your little arms wrapped tightly around my neck. When you saw I was crying you pointed to my tears with a confused look and simply said, "Eyes! Eyes!". I couldn't help but smile, laugh, and kiss you. It was perfect timing and we were both ready to move on.
At the beginning of this journey, I had no idea what to expect or how deeply the experience would touch me. I hope the memory of the relationship we had through nursing will always stay impressed upon your heart. I have never loved so deeply, and I will never forget how much those 521 days changed my life.
I love you, sweet baby.
Love,
Mommy
